Gnarly Knots inside us all

And inside my heart mind body soul spirit there is the tug of war between stories.  In stark contrast to freedom, I see my life time prisons, the impossible burden I carry.  I see it coming, so I step back.  I shut my mouth.  I just eat it.  I feel exploited and used.  And the bitterness grows.  No one else cares, why should I.  It grows until it blows.  And I become the Dr. Jekyll I hate.  When my mood changes, my movie changes and I don’t care–not by choice, I sell out to slavery.


And I wrestle against the many thousands of ideas images and urges that fight against me.  Then comes the gift of God’s Intelligent Design, the crazy gift of Jesus Christ that invites my being into relationship with Him and I discover that gratitude reboots my thinking machine.  Then for a moment I am given freedom to choose, suddenly aware of the story of freedom for all human kind.  Thank you is the only logical response.


Gratitude reboots the machine.  Simple, elegant, genius, intelligently designed, intended to impress me so that I would freely choose the better way, the path that leads me to heaven, cluttered with opposition refining my choices.  Here is the privilege of intimacy with God.  My free choice is to emphasize the simple solution, the intelligent design, the gift of freedom to choose.  Gratitude reboots the machine.  Freedom to choose the strength and love of God which changes my life forever.

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One Response to Gnarly Knots inside us all

  1. Dina4now says:

    I think one of the biggest struggles and challenge for us all, being human, is the story of our relationships with each other. I say story because I believe it gets retold, becoming a legacy of either slavery or freedom, depended on what story we choose to tell in the lives we live, witnessed by, and taught to our children.

    The most challenging for me has been the issue of trust in my intimate relationships. I have spent a life time “wrestling with the ideas, images, and urges” to act out, not always winning the battle, only to be taken captive by the mastery of my mood. Yet these challenging aspects of my life have also produced a progression of freedom, as I realize there is a place of peace when I acknowledge God by yielding to “a higher power.” Not an easy thing to do when passions are enflamed. Yielding, how empowering, willing, able, hopeful, so much soft clay in the hands of God. It can begin with one single breath.

    And then, my son falls deeply in love for the first time. You can only imagine the horror and shame I felt when he began experiencing a lack of trust, repeating my mistakes, like an enactment of a bad movie I wrote. I was devastated by his tears as I reached out to him feeling like a hypocrite while I tried to explain a better path. And for a while I rode the emotional roller coaster up and down, sometimes screaming as my hair stood on end, and my heart in my throat along with the words “what have I done”, I his inadvertent teacher.

    It was at this point I turned and called out to God, “please Lord, don’t let this be my legacy to my son.” I took that single breath, “I yield to you now Lord, teach me, guide me, and help my son to break free of this legacy of slavery. Show him your ways, not mine.” And I began to relax, to breath more deeply, to wait….and something began to change…my son began to see different endings and beginnings to my movie of experiences, and then he stood, and exited the theater.
    Legacy…it’s what we leave with our children and our children’s children. I don’t think much of it can be avoided, since as mothers our child bearing years are not our most mature, and by the time we get even close to maturity it’s often too late.

    But let us also be compassionate with ourselves as mothers, when our children go to dark places we know all too well, because through compassion we will be more yielding to the guidance, strength, and love of God that changes and creates a legacy of hope, and vision to move forward and to do things differently. We cannot do this alone.

    Oswald Chambers writes; November 15th
    ” When you do have to give advice to another person,
    God will advise through you with the direct
    understanding of HIS SPIRIT. Your part is to maintain
    the right relationship with God so that HIS discernment
    can come through you continually for the purpose of
    blessing someone else.”

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